Quarter-Life Crisis

So I'm not sure if I'm going to post this or not. If I do, chances are it will be a few days after the fact, when the light of day has brought some perspective.

I had a bit of a quarter-life crisis on my way home from work. I realized that my year is almost up.

I had almost forgotten that I had given myself a year. One year, upon graduation from DPI, to pursue my passion and try to get a job in publishing. Once the year was up, I'd look into a more practical application of my degree. Get a job in PR or something.

It's already May. I'm 9 months in. What have I done? Gotten a part-time job at a bookstore. Something I could have done in high school. And gotten an unpaid internship at a magazine that I disagree with the values of.

I'm unstimulated. I'm bored. I'm stuck.

I don't even feel like I've given it a proper go yet. I haven't flown out to NY, staying in an airb&b or at my uncle's or whatever. I was going to just go. Stay for a couple weeks or months and really look for a job. Go on informational interviews, be able to actually go for my real interviews.

But I didn't. It was self-sabotage. I'm a planner. I needed the security of a job before I uprooted my life. I was scared. I thought my mom needed me- she wasn't ready to empty nest yet.

And now I'm at a crossroads. My year is almost up. I've either got to fully commit and just go- or give up.

I'm not sure I can fully commit. My reasons are dumb. I'm still scared. I still need the security of a job. What if I quit my jobs, risk everything and try... and I'm just not good enough, and I have to come back home, tail between my legs, and start from scratch?

But I'm not ready to give up on my dreams either.

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A note from a week and a half later, with perspective:

The next morning, I woke up and applied for a job at Medline. It wasn't what I wanted to do, but it allowed me to use some of the same skills and work in a corporate environment, which I much prefer to working at home or in retail. And for a while, it really seemed like I had a shot.

And then they offered it to someone before I got to do my 2nd interview.

The job market is so fickle, it doesn't matter if I pursue publishing or PR or something related- I've just got to keep applying.